I feel sometimes that my creativity is diminishing, I see new people, with their talent, their immerse engrossing talent, and I am mesmerised, but a little scared; too. I think it’s my lowered self confidence, or my tiny self esteem knocking me back in the stomach, twisting my intestine, begging for my courage to show up. I really don’t know what I am afraid off. The people? My friends? My family? Or my own self? I feel sometimes that this insecurity is just in my head, that this Wallflower will bloom not just in early springs, but anytime, vanishing my existence.
“So I went to this party..“ He rambled about the number of friends he had in his life. “How many friends do you have?”, he asked me then.
I started counting on my finger, “one, two, three, four and five“,
As I counted my friends on my finger tips, he started laughing looking at my fingers telling me how unfortunate I am. But my one question shut his mouth when I asked him, were all your friends there at your lowest point of life?
How many times has this happened with you, when you want to pursue something, or try to get out of an old habit, temptations circle you around and whispers in your ears, attracts you towards the false habits and delusions? THIS IS UNHEALTHY. When you want to achieve great heights, you need to maintain your will power, but I must tell you, will power is limited, while traveling on the road with hard rocks, your energy might drain. But believe in yourself, get the IF and THEN theory into action, if the temptations cross your way, then make an excuse to them, do not procrastinate about the tasks you need to do. Remember, will power is driven by the WHY of your life, why do you want to exercise, because you want to lose weight, why do you want to read books, to achieve knowledge why do you want to spend time with your closed ones, because you care about them. The key is to find the why, But do not rush into all the things together, do it one by one. one thing at a time continuously and constantly, make it a habit in sometime, then once it becomes a habit, take another task. This won’t drain you out and you would be able to spend your will bucks smartly.
Detox yourself by knowing yourself, know your why and spend the will bucks smartly.
Myra rushed to her dorm room and closed the door abruptly. She stood in front of the mirror and gazed at the reflection which was so horrified that she could not recognize her own self. Dark lipstick, big eyelashes, smudged eyeliner and smeared mascara, she was looking horrible.
She stared at the mirror for more than a moment and started talking to herself. “What have I done to Myself. This is not me. I look like a whore dabbed in powder and color, who has lost her name, her identity.” she took out Shrey’s handkerchief, looked at it and used it to wipe the black tears off her face.
In continuation of The Dreaded Desires: Desperation It was a month to that date when Roy asked Myra to be in a no strings attached relationship, or it maybe called a non-relationship. Because it was never a bond, just sensuality occurring.
Initially Myra thought that Roy was cracking a joke, that it was just a role play thing. Alas! She was naive and didn’t really know what was she entering into when she said yes to Roy in desperation. The hurt began when the trails of unpicked calls and lonely texts started again. It heightened when Roy only summoned her for a steamy session of making love. She always wanted to know the mystery behind Roy, but he never let her. They never talked but his touch spoke loud, which made her crave him even more. But the hurt was so high that she wanted to leave him, but she couldn’t. His touch made her go wild, even at night when she drifted to sleep, she dreamed about she and him under the sheets. There used to be times when all Myra thought about was Roy, his bare chest, his tan skin, his six abs. She could not control her heightened emotions. She used to wait late night for his texts, many times he didn’t reply but when he did, all he asked was for her lewd images. Usually she showed off the gap between her breasts. After a time she became extremely obsessive with Roy that she started losing her identity, her goals, her aspirations. All she wanted was to please Roy, that was her main agenda then.