I toooook a long break,
Yes the ‘took’ has 5 o’s, and yes I took a long break.
I know I know, I’ve been saying this for a while,
but it is hard for me to decide.
With god’s grace I have got a job, friends I can rely on.
and finally found love of my life,
or have I?
But still, something is missing.
But what is it?
I lay down thinking,
thinking about that friend who pushed me over the cliff,
not because he hated me,
but for me to feel the wind over my face,
to smash my body over the ocean of my thoughts,
I know I’ve been on and off in this relationship with you,
but you know you are my home,
’cause even after I wander and roam to places,
I come back to you.
You are my escape, but when you get to close, you are a jail.
It’s hard for me to survive my own thoughts,
sometimes I ignore,
but how long can I run from myself
So I let them soak in, deep.
Only the positive ones though,
’cause you are a spectator, viewing the trails of thoughts passing by,
only to turn the light green for the thoughts to get to you,
not to be submerged in the darkness of our own flipped side.
I took a break, a long break, mostly soul searching;
in books and movies and web series, whatever I could find to get away from myself,
to indulge in stories, interesting stories, good stories, sad stories, obvious stories.
Now here I am, feeling satisfied, enough to know that I am not alone on this excursion to know myself.
There are hundreds out there.
So, this time, I bring the stories I have seen in the world of cinema, which are close to me, close enough to give a reflection of my inner self.
Every week, there would be poems depicting the stories. They won’t be movie reviews or critic but more than that.
Stay tuned for what’s about to come.
I feel sometimes that my creativity is diminishing,
I see new people, with their talent,
their immerse engrossing talent,
and I am mesmerised,
but a little scared;
I think it’s my lowered self confidence,
or my tiny self esteem knocking me back in the stomach,
twisting my intestine, begging for my courage to show up.
I really don’t know what I am afraid off.
Or my own self?
I feel sometimes that this insecurity is just in my head,
that this Wallflower will bloom not just in early springs,
vanishing my existence.
Do you remember the first time we spent the night,
your breath touching mine,
and I could hear you heart beat so loud that I could hardly feel mine.
I remember that time, you touched,
I know I was afraid,
but more than me, you were worried.
You never wanted to hurt, do you?
But now that’ it’s over, I feel the sufferings I gave you.
I know that I was at fault and I shouldn’t have done what I did,
you were so nice that you never really accused me.
I am so sorry,
I really am.
But it’s been sometime,
and now I realise;
you loved me enough to let me go.
You are sleeping on the other side of the bed,
then you turn towards her,
you see her face in the moonlight and think how beautiful she is.
You want to lean in and kiss her, but you resist.
You want to hold her hand, but you hold yourself back.
Why are you afraid?
Are you afraid of her reaction?
Are you afraid of the what ifs?
What if she refuse, what if she says no?
You are not sure of what would happen.
So you don’t try.
But you know, trying is not bad.
It can make you gain confidence in your actions,
it can make you feel loved, cared.
So why don’t you once try?