Do you feel it?
When you don’t have any emotions, when you don’t feel sad but you don’t feel happy either. When the world is spinning but you don’t feel anything, you feel empty, you feel numb. When you are alone in the midst of loneliness, walking down the lane of gloom, having no clue how addicting it could be, how calm it would be.
Sitting in the chair, trying to focus, I looked towards the board. Mrs. Arora was again teaching those boring number systems, decimal to binary, binary to decimal.
Sedentary in the 3rd row, second seat, I looked around, peers half asleep, nerds answering the questions and I observing, the class.
“5 more minutes, and this torture will be over”, Myra said with a relief. I didn’t say a word.
“Are you okay?”, she asked, “Yeah.”, I told her without looking at her. “You don’t seem to be.”, she said anxiously. Myra was my best friend, she was like my mirror, she knew everything about me except me drifting apart, sucked by a black hole, into the darkness.
“Yeah, just feeling a bit low, you know.” I told her. “Are you still missing him, move on, he doesn’t worth your time”, she said in anger.
I know she cared about me, but this was nothing to be angry about. I do not miss Sivan, I do not miss anybody, there is complete nothingness, just numb, dazed, deadened me. How should I tell her that I am blank, that my mind is clear, that I am feeling empty. I had so much to tell her,but all I wanted was silence.
The class got over, it was lunch, I went back to my hostel room. I had 1 hour, I could sleep but I just stared at the ceiling with an empty mind.
I guess the body shuts down when it has too much to bear, goes its own way inside, waiting for a better time, leaving you numb and half alive.
I closed my eyes, a flashback playing in my mind, the moment we first held hands, the moment he looked into my eyes, the moment he pulled out a chair for me, and the moment he left, time spent with him was right in front of me, I tried to relive those memories, I tried hard to feel something, but I couldn’t. All I could do was feel nothing at all.
That is when I realized,
A distant ship’s smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can’t hear what you’re saying.
When I was a child I had a FEVER.
Now I’ve got that feeling once again
I can’t explain, you would not understand
This is not how I am.