This time you are being served: The dreadful Desires. Where the main-course is Lust with starters of Insane Characters. Side dishes would be drugs and Cigarettes. Especially for you we will serve drinks, complimentary. But wait for the acerbic tarts. And we’ll finish this 5-course incredible meal with talks and tea to detox.
PS: This month, a series of fragments are coming up on the greatest fear: Addiction. Stay Tuned..
No one’s at home today, this is my chance, hurray! I’ll use the bed, be comfy and put the blanket overhead. Not like the other times, where the behind freezes over the tiles. Pornhub, redtube, forhertube, youporn, which one to see? Asian, Chinese, big front? No, this time big ass. I stream the video and pull out my little brother; which is going to be huge in sometime. The noises and the moans makes me arise, I close my eyes; and imagine Miss Malik with a ruler; and glasses with that sexy dress.
I was 13 and I was exposed to this sudden release then. Pornography epidemic it was, which gave me a burst of dopamine with no regrets.
Now, I am 17 and I have a girlfriend, she is not ready, and I respect that. But I have needs, remember? My little brother cannot be neglected like that. So, like always I have the frozen tiles and my imagination in hand.
Now I am 21, working off my ass, My only stress buster is my all time love: XXX But I meet this wonderful person; and she is ready for what they call, tennis? Yes! So we rent a room after a fancy dinner; and she standing in front, with no dress. But it’s so boring, I need excitement to stand. I think harsh, desperately hard. But I fail to collect. My brain is rewired, with a lifelong change and no hopes and desires. Yet, we try with what they call semi-hard, One, two, three, ten seconds it doesn’t last.
Disappointment and shame covered my face, when the doctor called me, “Erectile Dysfunction” to say. Then and there I knew, it was that change, from twice a week to twice a day, an hour session to seconds of relay.
It’s a hard thing to state, but I must admit, I was a victim of this addiction, now I hate.
Girls on dance floor, with happy faces and drunk smiles. One shot, two shot, three and you are high. Loud music, where you come to unheard your inner voice, which tells you to come out to the beach; with flowing streams and silence you cannot defy. You are flowing on the dance floor; with hundreds of people accompanying you, but if they are with you, why are they pushing you.
You remember your first time, when you put your drunk shoes on, you kissed the guy standing next to you and felt like flying. After, you broke the kiss you smiled; walked away without saying goodbyes.
Now, it’s your fifth time you are wearing your drunk shoes again, you had whiskey and rum with no shame. It still tastes bitter, but you are used to the taint. You need seven shots in a row to gather all the courage.
Now you don’t remember for how long you’ve been drinking. You feel alcohol running in your veins instead of blood flowing. You want to drink day and night, because it calms your soul; forms a delusion away from your crappy life.
Your Drunk shoes; are wearing you out, You want to stop now, but you can’t. How can you de-seed a part of life from your life, when you left every part of life to live that life.
No friends; no family, you are left alone, in a dilapidated house with no one to hold. but your drunk shoes to accompany.
Every night at 12, I lie down in bed. Tick Tock Tick Tock.. I count sheeps starting from 1 but ending I don’t remember well. I stare at the sealing, I stare at the walls, I lay down still with no motion at all. But every night at 12, I forget one thing, it takes me 4 hours and 30 mins to sleep.
It all started when I forgot to do my homework. It was 7 in the morning, the school bus was about to pick me up. Mom was trying to wake me up, and I was in my bed afraid of not doing my homework. So like every paranoid child at the age of seven I played sick, that was the first time I lied.
And series continued; when I lied to my dad asking for money for the books, when in reality it was for the booze I took, then lying to my friend about how rich I was, where I only had few bucks of pocket money to toss. And I know I crossed the limits when I started to lie to myself, deluding to be living in a world where I had no bills or payments to give, telling myself it’s okay to lie; not face reality ’cause life’s been rough, why make it harsher with thoughts so dry.
So I lied and lied one after the other and I never stopped. I wish I had stopped, ’cause with each lie I spoke, I pushed my favorite people apart.
First the talks happen, then the touch; Alas! this period never lasts long, ’cause then the ignorance starts.
In continuation of The Dreaded Desires: Pleasure It was one week that Myra did not hear from him, she had called Roy many times yet all she heard was the bell ringing and ringing. Roy had not picked his phone, or replied to any of her text messages. Monday had gone with the release of Roy’s much awaited launch. The song hit 2 million views and comments rushed through like the girls rushing in the mall when there is 60% sale. Myra looked at the screen and saw Roy dancing with a bunch of girls. Anger was fuming inside her as a girl with blond hair touched his chest and biceps. Thoughts of that night they spent together flashed in front of her, where he unhooked her bra and his hot breath smoothed on her breasts.
Mirror mirror on the wall, whenever I gaze into you; why do I feel so insecure? The first time I see you, I see me, the whole me and the second time I see you, why do you show me the imperfect me? I look in you, and see the bags under my eyes, the spots on my forehead and my lips so dry. The concoction of panic, anxiety overcomes, I don’t look pretty, my thoughts say in unison. My therapist tells me to not to meet you for a while, but if the desire provokes, I may have a look at you. But, trust me! I don’t want to see you again, to see the ugly me again.
It was 2 in the morning when Myra woke up to the sound of the wind coming from the balcony. Lying on the bed, she saw Roy standing with a cigarette in his hand, looking at the moon. Myra walked beside Roy while clutching the sheets to her chest. “What are doing here this late?”, She looked at Roy and kissed his bare chest as he faced her. Roy and Myra were meeting for the first time but it never felt like the first time. Maybe it was the booze or it was the vulnerabilities they both were facing. Myra was trying to fill the hole which was recently dug and Roy, well he was trying his best to refill the tiny pits in his chest.
Whispering darkness latches on my soul, hung around my neck like an albatross. I hear the cries; I hear the sobs, like the screams in my head deeply lost. Caged in thoughts; the drowning abounds, deep down inside, she could not be found.
In the midst of her thoughts, Myra scrolled down the screen to find the address somewhere in Delhi. She was not sure if she was taking the right decision, but she could not just lie down and let the past haunt her inner peace. So she booked a cab from Gurgaon to South Delhi and started to take charge of every decision she was about to take in her life.
Two months ago she never thought she would doubt herself, but Ruhaan left her no option but to overthink everything that went wrong. Myra got dumped exactly two months ago. After all the sleepless nights and smudged mascara she took a step forward and tried moving on, but failed terribly.
In the cab, a trail of events passed her by where she and Ruhaan were in her bed under the satin sheets kissing each other with naked bodies, but further; Myra seeing Ruhaan kissing his best friend in a party.
“I make elevating music; you make elevator music..” a man with a stubble and shades to cover his dark circles was rapping along the music bursting out of the stereo.
He put a hand in his front pocket and pulled out a cigarette. With one hand on the steering and other to find the lighter, he drove to his apartment on the roads of Delhi. It was six in the evening and he was arriving at his place after drinking every drop from the coffee machine at his office. A new release was about to come on that coming monday to give him his big break. From some guy he was about to become the guy, the Roy.
Work was always his priority, and after that his so called “recreational activities” occupied his empty time slots. His recreational activities were a different kind of adventure, like exploration which involved girls.
Whenever boredom surrounded him, he swiped right girls on tinder and had small chit chats while he took coffee breaks. Most of the chats involved his great art of using words to bring intimacy, which led to sensual meetings and then never meeting again.
That day was his day of sensuality and stress release.
He pushed the brakes to stop by a drugstore, where he bought himself a pack of 6 of durex for his company that night. After picking up chinese for two, he opened his apartment’s door and found his apartment smelling like cigarettes and empty beer bottles lying everywhere in the living room. He rubbed his temple and looked at his watch, she was about to come in an hour or so and the house was a mess after the litter party he had at his place last weekend.
Roy picked the beer bottles and threw the cigarette butts in trash and tried to fix the place when he heard the door bell ring. He looked from the peep hole and saw a petite girl dressed in red with open hair and big breasts.
Roy had a smirk on his face when he thought of the things he would do to her that night. He opened the door and looked at her with venerous eyes.
“Hello, Roy?“, her tone represented every ounce of courage she gathered to deliver that monosyllable.
Without saying a thing, Roy put forth his hand and smiled.
She took his hand and the door closed behind them.